Wednesday, September 19, 2012

The Candyban

At some point in all of my personal relationships, I have to reveal to the other person what is probably the strangest fact about me. That being the case, how 'bout you and me just get it out of the way right now?

Here goes: I've never eaten candy or chewed gum.

Now then, If you're anything like 100% of the people I have revealed this fact to, you probably have some follow-up questions. Let's get those out of the way, too.

1. Why not?

They gross me out.

2. Why do they gross you out?

I have no idea. Well, hold on. Gum is pretty gross, isn't it? People keep it in their mouths forever. You can see, hear, even smell them chewing it. Then, when they finally finish, they take it out and are liable to put that shit absolutely anywhere. Under tables, on the edge of their drinks, on nearby elderly women. I once had a conversation with a girl who stuck her spent gum on the end of her fingernail and kept it there the entire time. I took three showers that night.

Seriously, what if that was a piece of steak or something? You'd call the police. So why does gum get a free pass? Is it the same principle that makes it socially acceptable to talk to someone while you're brushing your teeth? We as a society are far too tolerant of disgusting behavior when it involves minty products.

The candy hangup is a little weirder. Can't explain that as well. Basically, it is related enough to gum in my mind to warrant enemy status.

3. Seriously, never? You've never tried either?

As far as I know. Maybe some candy got through when I was toddler or something. Beyond that, nah, I can't remember ever trying either.

4. Will you ever try either?

Hellllllll naw. They still gross me out. Also, at the end of the day, it's not like avoiding these items is BAD for you. As I write this, all my teeth are in good, healthy shape. I brushed, like, once a week when I was a little kid. Have to think the anti-candy stance has done me some favors here and there.

5. Do you eat sweets of any kind? Cake? Cookies?

There are some exceptions. I eat cookies. I'll eat pie, too, and cake, and even ice cream sometimes gets a pass. As a general rule, if it's a traditional dessert item, I'll eat it.

But here's the thing -- though these treats have been granted diplomatic immunity, they must meet strict requirements in order to maintain that status. To put it simply, they have to be bland as motherfuck. Does that cookie have Skittles inside instead of chocolate chips? DENIED. What's that in the middle of that cake slice? Some kind of strawberry filling? Oh, I don't like the looks of that. And don't even think about putting jimmies on my (very extremely vanilla) ice cream. Any dessert item that strays too far from its basic core definition is swiftly eliminated from consideration.

6. Well, wait, you'll eat chocolate in a cookie. Will you eat a chocolate BAR then?


7. What the fuck?

I know.

8. No, seriously, what the fuck?

The chocolate is too concentrated in a Hershey bar or whatever. All that chewing and melting. Can't do it, man. At a certain point it ceases being dessert and joins the dark side. Anything larger than a standard chocolate chip is greeted with great mistrust.

9. What did you do on Halloween?

Dude, I was the most popular person in the world that night. Know what goes over well in 3rd grade? Dumping your entire haul in the middle of the floor at the end of the night and telling everyone to go nuts.

10. What if you won one of the Golden Tickets?

Shit is going straight on eBay.

11. But you're missing out on so much!

I appreciate your concern, but I'll be fine. All I ate today was McDonald's and pizza. I promise you my body experiences enough indulgence.

12. Thanks for answering my questions. That's really bizarre. I have an urge to inform the next person who walks by about this.

I know.

13. Are they going to ask you all the same questions?

They sure are.

14. Can I do it anyway?

Eh, fine. Is it a girl?

15. Nope. It's my roommate Brad.


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