The How I Met Your Mother Script

Earlier this year, I wrote a script for an episode of the TV series How I Met Your Mother.

I chose HIMYM for this project specifically because it's not really all that funny. Don't get me wrong, I dig the show (and, during the course of writing the script, watched I think every single episode). It's solid TV. Still -- it ain't Arrested Development. It's a traditional, multi-camera series with a laugh track that is by now louder than most of the dialogue. This was my first time trying anything like this, so I wanted to stick to the basics. HIMYM seemed like a good place to start.

Overall it turned out pretty well I think. It's not "The Contest" or anything, but it's got some funny lines.
 
After I finished, I sent the script off to a few competitions to be evaluated by professional TV writers. I posted their feedback at the bottom of this post. (Though supportive, I found this feedback vague and mostly useless.)
 
Hope you enjoy.


Note: For the purposes of this episode, "Victoria" is a made-up, random-Ted-girlfriend character. 

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER

“Trivia Night”

COLD OPENING

FADE IN:

INT. 2030 LIVING ROOM – EVENING

(NARRATOR)

TED'S KIDS ARE SEATED ON THE COUCH, LOOKING INTO THE CAMERA.

NARRATOR (O.S.)

Kids, my friends have done a lot for me over the years, but this one thing might just be the most important: They taught me how to tell a story.

CUT TO:

INT. 1998 DORM ROOM – DAY

(TED, MARSHALL, NARRATOR)

COLLEGE-AGED TED AND MARSHALL ARE SITTING IN THEIR DORM ROOM.

TED

(THROUGH FITS OF LAUGHTER)...and she never found out that he was the one who told us to tell them.

MARSHALL

(BEWILDERED) Just...so many pronouns.

Narrator (v.O)

Good storytelling is a rare and valuable skill, one that takes years to develop.

AS TED'S NARRATION CONTINUES, WE MOVE SETTINGS.

INT. TED'S APARTMENT – DAY

(NARRATOR, MARSHALL, ROBIN, TED, BARNEY)

MARSHALL IS TELLING A STORY TO TED, ROBIN, AND BARNEY IN THE LIVING ROOM.

NARRATOR (V.O.)(cont'D)

The first step is to identify your strength. For instance, you could always count on your Uncle Marshall to come up with an illuminating simile for any situation.

Marshall

...so now I'm on the ground, and I'm frantically trying to pick up these papers. I was like Chewbacca collecting the scattered 3PO parts in Empire.

Robin

Excuse me?

TED AND BARNEY

Go on.

CUT TO:

INT. BAR – DAY

(NARRATOR, ROBIN, TED, LILY)

ROBIN IS TELLING A STORY TO TED AND LILY IN MACLAREN'S.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Your Aunt Robin grasped better than anyone the importance of setting the scene, and providing personal context.

ROBIN

Well, you have to understand, this was right after I'd stopped seeing Greg, and also my hair was kind of acting weird...

TED

Excuse me?

LILY

Go on.

CUT TO:

INT. TED'S KITCHEN – DAY

(NARRATOR, LILY, PATRICK, MARSHALL)

LILY IS TELLING A STORY TO A GROUP OF PEOPLE IN TED'S KITCHEN DURING A PARTY. TED AND MARSHALL ARE STANDING IN THE CORNER.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Your Aunt Lily was great at using skillful exaggeration to enhance and add color to her stories.

LILY

...but my cousin Patrick is so tall, it's ridiculous. Seriously, I'm talking like -- he has to duck under telephone wires.

EVERYONE CHUCKLES. AT THAT MOMENT, A GUY WALKS IN. HE'S MAYBE 6'2”.

PATRICK

Did I just hear my name?

MARSHALL

(TO TED) Shoot, I forgot he was here.

CUT TO:

INT. BAR – NIGHT

(NARRATOR, BARNEY)

BARNEY IS HOLDING COURT AT THE BOOTH IN MACLAREN'S.

NARRATOR (V.O)

Finally, your Uncle Barney was the king of story structure, always waiting until just the right moment to reveal a crucial detail.

BARNEY

Now, what I have yet to mention is that she was under the impression I was Robert Redford's son.

THE GROUP GROANS IN DISAPPOINTMENT

INT. TED'S APARTMENT – NIGHT

(TED, MARSHALL, VICTORIA, LILY, ROBIN, BARNEY)

THE GANG IS LOUNGING AROUND TED'S APARTMENT, DRINKING BEERS AND WATCHING TV. TED AND MARSHALL ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE, PLAYING THE BOARD GAME “GUESS WHO?”

NARRATOR (V.O)

As for me? Well, I didn't have any strengths. I was useless. But it didn't stay that way. See kids, the good news is, if you spend enough time with your friends, and listen to them tell enough stories, inevitably, things will begin to rub off on you.

TED

Is your person funny?

MARSHALL

Hmm. Yeah, I think so actually.

TED BEGINS FLIPPING OVER HIS TILES. LILY AND VICTORIA COME IN FROM THE KITCHEN.

VICTORIA

What are you guys doing?

LILY

Oh, that's just how Ted and Marshall play that game. They got so good in college they had to switch to personality descriptions.

MARSHALL

Does he smoke?

TED

Used to. Gave it up once he had kids.

VICTORIA

God, sometimes I feel so far behind. You guys have all these inside jokes, all these shared experiences.

LILY

I guess that's true.

VICTORIA

Well, come on. Catch me up. I know! Tell me a good story.

EveryonE

(AT ONCE, CHILDISHLY) Ooh! Me! I know one! Me!

VICTORIA

Hmm. Let's hear some titles. Robin?

ROBIN

My story is entitled “Pot Brownie Roulette.”

VICTORIA

Intriguing! Lily?

LILY

“The Secret of the Bodega Cat.”

VICTORIA

Marshall?

Marshall

“A Lark in Central Park.”

VICTORIA

Barney?

BARNEY

“Revelations.”

VICTORIA

Ted?

TED

If you pick me I'll give you a beer.

VICTORIA

Ted!

THE GANG PUTS ON A CHILDISH DISPLAY OF DISAPPOINTMENT. AND WE:

fade out.

MAIN TITLES

ACT ONE

INT. TED'S APARTMENT – NIGHT

(TED)

EVERYONE IS SEATED ON THE COUCH OR IN CHAIRS, LOOKING AT TED.

BARNEY

Ted can't tell this story.

ROBIN

You always mess up the beginning.

MARSHALL

You make it so confusing.

LILY

Don't forget to mention how much--

Ted

Enough!

EVERYONE RELUCTANTLY QUIETS DOWN.

TED (CONT'D)

Okay, so this was back in the winter of 2010. It was trivia night in MacLaren's, and we were sitting in our regular booth.

INT. 2010 BAR – NIGHT

(TED, MARSHALL, LILY, ROBIN, BARNEY)

WE REAPPER IN MACLAREN’S, IN 2010. MORE PEOPLE ARE INSIDE THAN USUAL, AND A QUIZMASTER IS SETTING UP A PODIUM SOMEWHERE IN THE BACK CORNER. THE GANG, MINUS BARNEY, IS SEATED AT THE USUAL TABLE. TED HAS A PILE OF PAPERS IN FRONT OF HIM.

TED

(TO HIMSELF) Yibsom Det.

MARSHALL

What?

TED

Oh, I'm just thinking about my name backwards. You ever done that?

MARSHALL

You know what Ted, it’s a crazy thing. Eighteen years in school, and not one of us ever had a single boring class.

WITHOUT LOOKING, HE SNAPS AND POINTS AT LILY, WHO RESPONDS INSTANTLY.

LILY

Nerdla E-lill.

MARSHALL

Boom.

HE SNAPS AND POINTS AT ROBIN.

ROBIN

Yikstabrecks Nibor.

MARSHALL

Boom. (SNAPS AND POINTS AT SELF) Neskire Llahsram. Next question.

TED

Neskire Llahsram? Wow. That's fantastic

MARSHALL

Thank you.

TED

You sound like the hero of a fantasy novel.

ROBIN

Barney's gonna be mad he missed this conversation.

AT THAT MOMENT, BARNEY ARRIVES.

BARNEY

Hey hey.

ROBIN

Oh, speak of the devil. (BEAT) Sorry, that just sounds weird when it's said about you.

BARNEY

What are we talking about?

LILY

Our names backwards.

BARNEY

What’s yours?

LILY

Nerdla E-lill.

BARNEY

Dorky alien. (TO ROBIN) Yours?

ROBIN

Yickstabrecks Nibor.

BARNEY

Vicious Russian mobster. (TO TED) Yours?

TED

Yibsom Det.

BARNEY

(DISGUSTED) That just sounds like “You have some debt.” (TO MARSHALL) Yours?

MARSHALL

Neskire Llahsram.

BARNEY

Ooh, hero of a fantasy novel, nice.

THEY HIGH-FIVE.

TED

What’s yours?

BARNEY

No-snitch Yenrab. Turkish gangster rapper.

ROBIN

Ah well. What’s in a name?

Cut to:

INT. 2012 TED’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

(VICTORIA, TED, MARSHALL, LILY, ROBIN, BARNEY)

VICTORIA

Hold it. Ted could you get to the poi—

EVERYONE

(ALL AT ONCE) No! No! This is important.

Cut to:

INT. 2010 BAR – NIGHT

(ROBIN, BARNEY, MARSHALL, TED)

ROBIN

Well, what’s in a name?

BARNEY

Quite a bit, my amoral Eastern European friend. Think of the great quarterbacks of our childhood. John Elway. Dan Marino. Joe Montana. And who was lost to the sands of time? Poor Jim Kelly, he of four straight Super Bowl appearances, and one bland handle. And it works in reverse, too. A winning name can live on long after the commodity itself has been forgotten. Just look at the world of cinema. Is seeing The Bucket List on your bucket list? Would it take a perfect storm of events for you to rent The Perfect Storm?

MARSHALL

I like those movies.

BARNEY

Sorry Marshall, but I won’t accept film criticism from a guy currently writing a screenplay about an Australian robot entitled Crike-E.

MARSHALL

Well, that’s a perfect example right there – a great name that’s gonna get people talking.

BARNEY

The point is, names matter. Hell, could anyone besides Rutherford B. Gorgeous have slept with that girl?

HE POINTS TO A BEAUTIFUL GIRL AT THE BAR.

TED

Who’s Rutherford B. Gorgeous?

BARNEY

Me. Please hide me.

INT. 2012 TED’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

(VICTORIA, MARSHALL, BARNEY, TED)

VICTORIA TURNS TO LOOK AT BARNEY, WHO IS SLUMPED IN THE SOFA CHAIR.

VICTORIA

You actually gave this girl a fake name just to sleep with her?

MARSHALL

You really don’t know him very well, do you?

VICTORIA

That works? How many times did you sleep with her?

BARNEY

I’d say roughly. . .five times? (BEAT) And gently three times, what is up?

HE PUTS OUT A HIGH FIVE. NO ONE BITES.

BARNEY (CONT'D)

(DEFEATED) It went on for about a week.

VICTORIA

And then what?

TED

Getting to that. See, this was in the period right after the break-up with Robin when Barney was just getting back into his routine. Deep down I think we'd missed this side of him, and, as a result, we were, perhaps, less judgmental than usual.

INT. 2010 BAR – NIGHT

(BARNEY, TED, MARSHALL, LILY, ROBIN)

BARNEY

Yes, it’s true. I lied to that girl, and then I slept with her.

TED AND MARSHALL

Nice!

THEY HIGH-FIVE EACH OTHER.

LILY

No! Not nice. All it means is that we’ve stumbled upon yet another wounded body on the Normandy beach that is Barney’s love life.

BARNEY

Actually, Lily, taking number of casualties into account, the most appropriate World War II comparison is the Battle of Gazala. . .which, sadly, leaves out other, more appropriately-named options: (COUNTING THEM OFF) The Battle of the Bulge, Operation Paula, the Battle for Brest. . .

LILY

(INTERRUPTING) In any event, this endless campaign of lies and misrepresentation is nothing to be celebrated.

MARSHALL

Actually Barney, that reminds me of something. You know, you talk a lot about being awesome, and your awesomeness, and something called your Awesomeness Above Replacement.

BARNEY

(PLEASED) You’ve been reading the blog.

MARSHALL

And yet, you always make up these characters when you hit on women. I mean, here you are – you’re young, smart, successful, you live in a beautiful apartment in Manhattan. Why pretend to be someone else? Hell, other guys should pretend to be you!

LILY

That’s a good point, Barney. You’re supposed to be Mr. Confident, but when the moment of truth comes, you always hide behind these alter egos.

BARNEY

I don’t always use fake names.

TED

No, but there’s always a made up detail or two thrown in to fill out the package. A Spanish villa, a famous relative, a day-time Emmy award...

BARNEY

Oh, like you’ve seen every episode of Guiding Light.

MARSHALL

Well, I wanna see it. I wanna see you get laid, no tricks, no lies, no aliases.

BARNEY

Hit on a girl without lying? Please. That’s the oldest play in the bro handbook. It’s called “The Jim Carrey.”

LILY

Why is “being yourself” a play and why is it named after someone else?

BARNEY GETS UP TO LEAVE.

BARNEY

Hell, no lines to remember, no accents to fake, no green screens to stand in front of. This is bumper bowling. Gorgeous – out! (TURNS TO LEAVE, STOPS HIMSELF) Stinson – in!

HE TAKES OFF, STOPS HIMSELF, THEN RETURNS.

BARNEY (CONT’D)

Ted, where did I go to high sch—

TED

Port Richmond.

BARNEY

(SNAPPING HIS FINGERS) Port Richmond!

HE DEPARTS.

TED

Alright, I got the answer sheet here. What’s our name gonna be?

THE OTHERS THINK.

TED (CONT’D)

We could trot out the old classics? “The Minutiae Men,” “Ken and Barbie Jennings,” “Think Tanked”. . .

MARSHALL

Oh, I have an idea. How about “The Beatles”?

LILY

“The Beatles”?

MARSHALL

Yeah. Well, you know, we have John and Paul (POINTS AT SELF AND TED), George (AT LILY), and Ringo (AT ROBIN).

ROBIN

“Ringo”?! What do you mean “Ringo”?

MARSHALL

I just mean, you know, though you’re an important part of the group, you just, well, you contribute less.

ROBIN

That’s not true! You guys are just trivia bullies, you don’t let anyone else have any input!

MARSHALL

Robin, it’s not a big deal.

ROBIN

What about the Conn Smythe question from last time? Nobody else knew that.

TED

Well, exactly. Just like Ringo, you have your specialty. You’re there for us when we need an answer to the token Canadian question. It’s like your “Octopus’ Garden.”

SILENCE.

TED (CONT’D)

See, you don’t even get that reference, do you?

MARSHALL

Robin, we’re just kidding around.

ROBIN

No, no. You’ve made yourselves perfectly clear.

SHE TAKES AN ANSWER SHEET FROM TED’S PILE.

ROBIN (CONT’D)

You guys think you’re so much smarter? Well, we’ll see about that.

TED

Oh, come on. Robin, this isn’t a bad thing. No pretty women are good at trivia. Your lives are too sexy and interesting to remember who played Biff in Back to the Future.

MARSHALL

(CAN’T RESIST) Thomas F. Wilson.

TED FIST BUMPS MARSHALL WHILE KEEPING HIS EYES ON ROBIN.

TED

Trust me, this is a compliment. Trivia is for men and the homely.

LILY

Wait a second, I’m good at trivia.

MARSHALL

True, but it’s different for women in long-term relationships. You’ve spent ten years hanging out with me and Ted. Just by osmosis you're gonna know more trivia than 99% of good-looking women.

LILY

I don’t believe how cocky you guy’s are! You’re worse than Brian Bosworth before the Monday night game against Bo Jackson.

TED

See! Right there!

LILY

You know what? Gimme one of those.

ROBIN HANDS HER AN ANSWER SHEET.

MARSHALL

Oh come on, don’t do that.

LILY

No, Marshall. You are going to see once for and all that I know just as much as you. And this time the deadline for withdrawal has passed.

Cut to:

INT. 2012 TED’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

(VICTORIA, TED, MARSHALL)

VICTORIA

Wait, what does that mean?

TED

Well, Marshall and Lily used to have this argument over who did better in college. See, Lily graduated with a slightly lower GPA, but, Marshall withdrew from two classes he was failing freshman year and made them up later. So think of it like this: one basketball team wins a game by two points, and another team wins by five points in overtime. Which team had the better game?

MARSHALL

(PROUD) Nice.

TED

Anyway, it was a touchy subject at the time.

Cut to:

INT. 2012 BAR – NIGHT

(MARSHALL, LILY, TED, GIRL, BARNEY, NEW GIRL, THIRD GIRL)

 

MARSHALL

You could’ve dropped too! It’s not my fault your advisor creeped you out!

LILY

And it's not my fault precious Marshall couldn't handle the freedom of being allowed to stay up past midnight for the first time!

MARSHALL

The transition to college is difficult! It affects everyone differently!

LILY

Oh, I know. My advisor told me the same thing over a bottle of Zima!

THEY BEGIN ARGUING OVER EACH OTHER.

YOUNG TED (V.O.)

While this was going on, Barney was trying out his new approach at the bar.

WE JOIN BARNEY TALKING TO GIRL AT THE BAR.

GIRL

Wait, how many suits do you own?

BARNEY

Funny you should ask. Just a few months ago I finally purchased my 365th suit. I call this one "February 1st."

NOW WITH A NEW GIRL.

NEW GIRL

Wait, how often do you play laser tag?

BARNEY

Typically three times a week. But I cut back a little during birthday party season.

NOW WITH A THIRD GIRL.

THIRD GIRL

Wait, how did your hands get so soft?

BARNEY

Rosewater, cucumber lotion, and, when necessary, paying others to carry things.

BARNEY NOW RETURNS TO THE BOOTH AFTER A SERIES OF STRIKEOUTS.

BARNEY

Jeez, trivia night really brings out the riff-raff.

MARSHALL

No love for Barney out there?

BARNEY

I don’t get it.

TED

Not so easy when you have to play by the rules, is it?

ROBIN

Look how uncomfortable he is.

BARNEY IS FIDGETING AROUND LIKE HE’S TOO HOT, OR HIS CLOTHES DON’T FIT QUITE RIGHT.

MARSHALL

This is like in Catch Me If You Can when Leo gets arrested and has to work a desk job for the first time.

BARNEY

Is it possible that I’ve been deluding myself? That I’ve been idealizing things?

LILY

Well. . .

BARNEY

I mean, I don’t think women are nearly as cool as I imagined.

LILY

You just need to learn how to sell yourself, you know?

MARSHALL

Yeah man, don't over-think it. You're intelligent, you're successful, you're in great shape. Just make sure all of that comes across.

BARNEY NODS, TAKING THIS ALL IN.

marshall (cont'd)

God, I can't believe I'm giving a pep talk to a guy who's slept with 200 women.

BARNEY

Wait. Marshall, say that again.

MARSHALL

(DISGUSTED) I really don't want to.

BARNEY

That's it!

LILY

What?

BARNEY

I'm a player. A cad. A rake. The bad boy who can't be tied down. Unless --

LILY

(BORED) Unless it's to a bed post. Your point?

BARNEY

This is my angle.

LILY

"Hi, I'm Barney. I'm a girl-thirsty man-child?"

BARNEY

Correction: a successful girl-thirsty man-child. You don't understand, a track record like mine can be appealing to some women.

ROBIN

You know, I hate to admit it, but he has a point. There's something attractive about a player, you know? You always want to get inside the club with the big line out front. Women like a challenge.

LILY

Oh please! Barney's about as selective as the Eat Fresh Club. You'll exert more effort not sleeping with him.

MARSHALL

Yeah, I don't know. Barney's had success but he's not your classic ladies' man. It's more twisted than that. He's like. . .Guilt Chamberlain.

TED

Con Draper.

MARSHALL

Shames Bond. It's just a dark history. There's been too much lying.

BARNEY

(INSPIRED) Not anymore.

END ACT ONE

ACT TWO

Int. bar – night

(QUIZMASTER, TED, ROBIN, MARSHALL, BARNEY, REBECCA, BARTENDER, WAITER, LILY)

THE QUIZMASTER HAS TURNED ON HIS MICROPHONE AND IS ADDRESSING THE CROWD FROM HIS STATION IN THE BACK OF THE BAR.

QUIZMASTER

Okay! Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I will be your quizmaster for this evening. I hope everybody's ready to drink some beers and have some fun tonight!

EVERYONE CLAPS.

QUIZMASTER (CONT'D)

Just wanted to address something quickly first. You know, the developments in smart phone technology. . .they've been hard on us quizmasters. We've had to confront some dark truths about the human condition. The scheming. The greed. The lack of self-control.

HE LOOKS DOWN AND SIGHS. NO ONE IS SURE HOW TO REACT.

QUIZMASTER (CONT'D)

(BRIGHTLY) But anywho! I think we're set to begin. When you finish writing your answers, just bring your sheet up here and we'll announce the winners shortly after. (SUDDENLY INTENSE) Oh, and if I so much as see you send a text message, your phone is going straight into this blender!

HE PICKS UP A BLENDER AND TURNS IT ON. THE CROWD GASPS.

QUIZMASTER (CONT'D)

And let me tell you, this thing has killed more cell phones than the Atlantic Ocean!

EVERYONE IS DEEPLY FREAKED OUT BY THIS SPEECH. HE TURNS OFF THE BLENDER.

QUIZMASTER (CONT'D)

(SHRUGGING) I'm not actually allowed to break your phone. (SUDDENLY INTENSE AGAIN) But you will be disqualified!

ANOTHER PAUSE. HE LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM.

QUIZMASTER (CONT'D)

(BRIGHTLY) The first category is rap music!

BACK TO THE TABLE WITH THE GANG, STILL MINUS BARNEY.

TED

Well, I guess the first round is a draw.

ROBIN

Why do you say that?

TED

Um, well, it's not really our area of expertise.

ROBIN

Speak for yourself.

MARSHALL

Sorry Robin, Nelly Furtado doesn't count as rap.

ROBIN

Very funny.

TED

Oh I'm sorry, I forgot about Bryan Adams' collaboration with N.W.A.

ROBIN

You know what, I can't wait to see the look on your face when I win this round, and they come over here, and they give me that same MacLaren's shirt that we all already have. It's going to be glorious.

WE LEAVE THE TABLE AND MOVE TO THE BAR. BARNEY IS ORDERING A DRINK, RIGHT NEXT TO A GIRL DOING THE SAME.

BARNEY

Scotch, please.

HE TURNS TO THE GIRL. HIS TONE IS CALM AND GENUINE.

BARNEY

How's it going?

REBECCA

Good, you?

BARNEY

Oh, not bad.

REBECCA

You here for trivia night?

BARNEY

Kind of. We come here lots of nights. You?

REBECCA

Yeah, trivia night. Here with some co-workers.

BARNEY

I thought people drank to forget about work.

REBECCA

I know, I know. But I'm new, I didn't want to be anti-social.

THE BARTENDER RETURNS WITH BARNEY'S DRINK.

BARTENDER

Here ya go, Barney.

REBECCA

Wow, first-name basis with the bartender. You weren't kidding.

BARNEY

No, ma'am. And what was your first name?

REBECCA

It was Rebecca.

BARNEY EXTENDS HIS HAND AND SHE ACCEPTS IT.

BARNEY

Nice to meet you, Rebecca.

REBECCA

And you as well. So, what, never wanted to branch out?

BARNEY

Oh, I do. But out there you can get into trouble. This is a good place to hide.

REBECCA

You mean girl trouble?

BARNEY

(COY) There's been some of that.

WE MOVE BACK TO THE TABLE. THEY'VE HANDED IN THEIR SHEETS AND ARE NOW AWAITING THE RESULTS.

TED

How'd you do?

MARSHALL

I wrote Ice Cube for eight of them.

ROBIN

Pathetic.

MARSHALL

Oh come on Robin, like you did any--

QUIZMASTER

And the winner of round one is. . .”Yickstabrecks Nibor”!

ROBIN

YES!

EVERYONE

(AT ONCE) WHAT?!

TED

How did you do that?!

ROBIN

Patience, my dear. At least give me a chance to collect my winnings.

A WAITER APPROACHES.

WAITER

Are you guys “Yickstabrecks Nibor”?

MARSHALL

(POINTING AT ROBIN) No, just her.

WAITER

Here's your free pitcher.

HE SETS DOWN A PITCHER IN FRONT OF ROBIN.

ROBIN

(SURPRISED) Oh. Thanks.

WAITER

And a free shot.

HE SETS DOWN A SHOT.

ROBIN

Alright then.

TED

(AMUSED) Congratulations.

ROBIN

Thank you.

MARSHALL

Sure you don't want any help with that?

ROBIN

No, no, no. You and Paul can buy your own drinks. I will share one beer with my loyal friend Lily. . .

SHE FILLS LILY'S GLASS.

LILY

Ooh, thank you!

ROBIN

But this here, this is redemption. You doubted me, you mocked me, and you lost. If you're looking for charity, look elsewhere. These are my spoils. And I aim to enjoy them.

SHE THROWS BACK THE SHOT.

TED

So, you're going to get drunk for spite.

ROBIN

Basically.

QUIZMASTER

Okay, and the category for round two is board games!

LILY

Uh oh. . .

MARSHALL

What?

LILY

What do you mean, "what"?

MARSHALL

You think you know more about board games than me?

LILY

I don't know, let's see: my dad invents board games, I'm a kindergarten teacher, and I'm one half of a fairly boring marriage.

MARSHALL

Okay, well, I'm the other half of that boring marriage, I too invent board games, and I was the creator of the Scrabble club in college.

LILY

Oh, but where did you find the time? Weren't you the freaking valedictorian?!

AS THE ARGUMENT ESCALATES, WE RETURN TO BARNEY AT THE BAR.

REBECCA

Come on, just tell me.

BARNEY

I don't think so.

REBECCA

More than fifty? More than a hundred?

BARNEY

(HOLDS UP HANDS) I plead the fifth.

REBECCA

It's more than a hundred, isn't it?

BARNEY

Stop.

REBECCA

I'll tell you mine.

BARNEY

What's yours?

REBECCA

Six.

BARNEY

(DOUBTFUL) Right.

REBECCA

What?

BARNEY

I'm sorry, but you're lying. I know women, they're never honest about their number. And you are far too stunning to have a number that low.

REBECCA

(OFFENDED) I am not a liar.

BARNEY FIXES HER WITH A PENETRATING STARE.

BARNEY

Neither am I.

THEY THROW THEMSELVES AT EACH OTHER AND BEGIN PASSIONATELY MAKING OUT. WE GO BACK TO THE TABLE. AGAIN, THE SHEETS ARE ALREADY IN AND THEY ARE AWAITING THE RESULTS.

MARSHALL

(CONFIDENTLY) Feeling the pressure?

LILY

Nope. Just lounging by the pool in my hotel on Marvin Gardens. You?

MARSHALL

Oh, I'm just fine. In fact, I just bought some very nice property on Baltic.

LILY

Baltic? Keep it, cheapskate.

MARSHALL

(CONFUSED) Wait, which one is Baltic?

QUIZMASTER

And our winner for round two is “Nerdla E-lill”!

LILY

YES! YES YES YES!

TED

You're kidding me.

LILY

Ah well. Listen guys. I sunk your Battleship. You took a Risk, and you lost. Sorry! But get a Clue. That's Life. And drill this memory into your Cranium, because you both learned a valuable lesson today: DON'T. WAKE. DADDY.

THE WAITER APPROACHES AGAIN.

WAITER

Are you guys “Nerdla E-lill”?

MARSHALL

(POINTING AT LILY) No, just her.

WAITER

Here's that MacLaren's shirt you all already have.

CUT TO:

INT. 2012 TED’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

(LILY, TED)

LILY

That is not what he said!

TED

Sorry.

CUT TO:

INT. 2010 BAR – NIGHT

(WAITER, LILY, TED, ROBIN, MARSHALL)

WAITER

Here you go.

HE HANDS HER THE SHIRT.

LILY

Well. Mine has stains on it anyway.

SHE PUTS ON THE SHIRT OVER HER CURRENT SHIRT.

QUIZMASTER

Our next category will be Star Wars!

TED

Oh, thank god.

LILY

Finally safe, huh?

TED

Well, I hope so. You know nothing about Star Wars. And Robin hasn't said anything in like twenty minutes.

ROBIN

(HAMMERED) What?

TED

Between the two of us we've seen the trilogy two hundred times. I think we'll do fine.

LILY

Hmm. Sounds like you don't really need each other.

MARSHALL

What do you mean?

LILY

Well, if you're both experts then you make each other redundant. Unless, of course, one of you knows more than the other. . .

TED

My god, she's not George. She's Yoko.

MARSHALL

Wait, no. She has a point though. This is a chance to settle the debate, once and for all.

TED

Debate? Dude, you know I respect your Star Wars knowledge, but...

MARSHALL

Seriously? You've always been more of an Indiana Jones guy.

TED

There's plenty of room up here for both, my friend.

MARSHALL TAKES AN ANSWER SHEET FOR HIMSELF.

MARSHALL

I'm game if you are.

TED

You're on.

LILY

(TO ROBIN) I think we won, kid.

THEY GO FOR A HIGH FIVE. ROBIN MISSES BADLY AND KNOCKS OVER LILY'S DRINK.

END ACT TWO

ACT THREE

INT. BAR – NIGHT

(MARSHALL, TED, ROBIN, QUIZMASTER, WAITER, TEAM MEMBER, LILY)

EVERYONE AT THE TABLE IS QUIET. THERE IS NERVOUS TENSION IN THE AIR.

MARSHALL

Any you didn't know?

TED

Yeah, one. Where did the Sarlacc live?

MARSHALL

The pit of Carkoon, dude.

ROBIN

(THOUSAND YARD STARE) Duh.

TED

Shoot. What about you?

MARSHALL

One. What was the name of the shuttle they use in Jedi?

TED

Tydirium, dude.

MARSHALL

Shoot.

ROBIN

(THOUSAND YARD STARE) Duh.

QUIZMASTER

And the winner of round 3 is “Jeopardy-licious”!

A GROUP AT ANOTHER TABLE CHEERS. THE WAITER APPROACHES THEM.

WAITER

Here's a free round of shots.

TEAM MEMBER

Nice!

HE SETS DOWN HIS TRAY. THE TEAM MEMBERS PICK UP THEIR SHOTS.

TEAM MEMBER

To our friendship!

THEY TOAST. THE GANG LOOKS ON SADLY.

QUIZMASTER

Okay everyone, our fourth and final round will be--

HE STOPS AND LOOKS AT A MAN WHO IS TYPING SOMETHING INTO HIS PHONE. HE WALKS UP TO THE MAN AND ACTIVATES THE BLENDER RIGHT IN HIS EAR, TERRIFYING HIM.

QUIZMASTER (CONT'D)

As I was saying, our fourth and final round will be a general knowledge category. And ladies and gentlemen we have a very exciting prize for you this time. The winners of this round will receive a free pitcher of beer from this bar, once a month...for life.

MARSHALL

Hey now!

LILY

Seriously.

THE BOYS EXCHANGE GUILTY LOOKS.

TED

General knowledge, huh?

LILY PRETENDS NOT TO HEAR, TAKES A SIP FROM HER DRINK.

MARSHALL

Lily, do you know what I did the night before my Medieval History midterm?

LILY

You were up all night studying.

MARSHALL

Nope. I was going to do that. But after ten minutes I realized I was so far behind it wasn't even worth it. I got stoned and beat Star Fox 64 with Ted.

TED

(FONDLY) Oh, good night.

MARSHALL

I withdrew the next day. I took the easy way out, and you didn't. You owned up to your mistakes. And that's worth more than a grade. I've been a jerk tonight. Will you please get drunk with me and help me answer stupid questions?

LILY

(SMILING) Absolutely.

MARSHALL

Ted?

TED

Let's blow this thing and go home.

THEY SLAP HANDS.

MARSHALL

Robin?

ROBIN

Hmm?

MARSHALL

Listen, we're really sorry about what we said earlier, will you forgive us?

ROBIN

Oh, yeah. It's cool, don't worry about it.

MARSHALL

(TO TED) Any idea what we're talking about?

TED

I really don't think so.

LILY

(LOOKING TOWARD THE BAR) Hey, where's Barney?

INT. 2010 TED’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

(BARNEY, REBECCA)

BARNEY AND REBECCA, IMMEDIATELY POST-COITUS, ARE GETTING DRESSED IN TED'S LIVING ROOM.

REBECCA

Phew. Will your friend mind that we used his apartment?

BARNEY

Eh, floor doesn't count. So, listen. . .

REBECCA

(AT THE SAME TIME) So, listen. I gotta run.

BARNEY

I gotta--you, what?

SHE GATHERS HER THINGS TOGETHER, AND GLANCES AT HER PHONE.

REBECCA

Ugh, look at the time. All my co-workers have probably left. I gotta stop doing stuff like this.

BARNEY

What, the other six were randoms from the bar, too?

REBECCA

Hah, six. Right.

BARNEY

It wasn't... ?

REBECCA

But that was fun. I'll text you some time if I ever want to do that again.

BARNEY

Um. . .you'll. . .ok.

SHE OPENS THE DOOR TO LEAVE.

REBECCA

See ya, Bertie.

BARNEY

Bye, Rebecca.

SHE STOPS.

REBECCA

Who? Oh--yeah. Bye!

SHE SHUTS THE DOOR, LEAVNG BARNEY IN A CONFUSED DAZE.

INT. 2010 BAR – NIGHT

(TED, LILY, MARSHALL, QUIZMASTER, BARTENDER, BARNEY)

BACK TO THE TABLE, WHERE TED IS READING FROM THEIR ANSWER SHEET. AGAIN, THERE IS A LOT OF NERVOUS TENSION IN THE AIR.

TED

(WHISPERING) Okay, let's go through it one more time. The Empire State Building has 102 floors. "The Scream" was painted by Edvard Munch?

LILY

Correct.

TED

The Vikings' all-time leading passer is Fran Tarkenton?

MARSHALL

Yes.

TED

The two ends of a cigar are called the "head" and the "foot"? Robin, knock once for "yes."

ROBIN, WHOSE HEAD IS ON THE TABLE, KNOCKS ONCE.

TED

OK, and the Greek god of wine is Dionysus. The first Nirvana album is Bleach?

LILY

Yes.

TED

The study of paranormal creatures is called “cryptozoology”?

MARSHALL

Correct.

TED

And Calgary is located in Alberta?

ROBIN KNOCKS ONCE AGAIN.

TED (CONT'D)

That's eight. We need two more: One, what does a grabatologist collect, and two, which is the only king in a deck of cards without a mustache? Do you guys have any idea?

MARSHALL

No.

LILY

No.

ROBIN KNOCKS TWICE.

QUIZMASTER

Two more minutes!

TED

(LOOKING AROUND) Where the hell is Barney?

LILY

Should we. . .should we try texting him?

TED

(NERVOUSLY) Okay.

HE TAKES OUT HIS PHONE AND BEGINS TO TEXT UNDER THE TABLE. SUDDENLY, WE HEAR A BLENDER. TED SCREAMS, AND LOOKS UP. THE BARTENDER IS MAKING A PINA COLADA. HE LOOKS UP AT TED.

BARTENDER

Sorry.

MARSHALL

(POINTING) Wait, there he is!

BARNEY ENTERS THE BAR.

TED

Yes! Barney, get over here!

BARNEY WALKS OVER AND SITS DOWN, STILL IN A DAZE.

TED

Barney, we need your help.

BARNEY

The whole world needs help, Ted.

HE COVERS HIS FACE WITH HIS HAND.

LILY

Barney, what's wrong?

BARNEY

This girl. I met her at the bar, we got to talking, we hit it off, I took her up to Ted's apartment. . .

TED

What?

BARNEY

I thought we really connected. And then - poof! She was gone. Like it was nothing.

LILY

Aww, honey. Come here.

SHE TAKES BARNEY IN HER ARMS AND HE RESTS HIS HEAD ON HER SHOULDER.

BARNEY

You put yourself out there, and then you pay the price.

LILY

She's not good enough for you.

BARNEY

She was the best. (SUDDENLY HOPEFUL) Maybe she texted me back!

HE REACHES FOR HIS PHONE.

EVERYONE

(AT ONCE) No!

MARSHALL

Barney, listen, we're all sorry about what happened. But would some free alcohol make you feel better?

BARNEY IS SILENT FOR A MOMENT, THEN NODS RELUCTANTLY LIKE A CRYING CHILD BEING OFFERED ICE CREAM.

TED

Then we need your help with these questions. First, what does a grabatologist collect?

BARNEY

Are you serious? Ties.

TED BEGINS WRITING THIS DOWN INSTANTLY.

BARNEY (CONT'D)

You and Marshall are members of the Grabatologist's Society!

TED STOPS. HE AND MARSHALL EXCHANGE CONFUSED GLANCES.

BARNEY (CONT'D)

(STUNNED) I've been paying your dues for nothing?!

LILY

Ok, and one more: In a deck of cards, which king doesn't have a mustache?

BARNEY

(THINKING) Shoot. . .I don't know, guys. I'm sorry.

THEY MURMUR IN DISAPPOINTMENT.

BARNEY (CONT'D)

Wait, Ted, what's that in your pocket?

TED INSPECTS HIS BREAST POCKET. HE TAKES OUT A CARD. THE GANG GASPS.

BARNEY

Behold!

TED FLIPS THE CARD AROUND.

TED

This is an eight of clubs.

EVERYONE LOOKS AT BARNEY.

BARNEY

Still. . .pretty impressive, right?

SILENCE.

BARNEY (CONT'D)

It's the king of hearts.

TED WRITES IT DOWN INSTANTLY, THEN STANDS UP AND SHOUTS:

TED

Quizmaster! We have our answers!

INT. 2012 BAR – NIGHT

(TED, VICTORIA, MARSHALL, LILY, BARNEY)

THE GANG, PLUS VICTORIA, IS NOW SEATED AT THE SAME TABLE IN THE PRESENT DAY.

TED

And that was it, we got the sheet in just in time.

SILENCE. TED LETS THE STORY HANG.

VICTORIA

Well?! What happened? Did you win?

TED

Wait, hold on a second.

HE TAKES A SIP OF BEER.

TED (cont'd)

Marshall, does this beer taste. . .free to you?

MARSHALL

Hmm, let me see.

HE TAKES A SIP.

MARSHALL (CONT'D)

Wow. It does.

TED

Lily?

LILY

Mmm. Can't taste a penny!

VICTORIA

You sneaky monkeys! This is the free pitcher?

TED

(SMILING) Yup. Of this month anyway.

VICTORIA

Wow. What a story. (BEAT) Wait, Barney, you made me throw in on this.

EVERYONE LOOKS AT BARNEY.

BARNEY

What? Now she's really surprised!

A BEAT.

BARNEY (CONT'D)

Oh fine, I'll get the next one.

VICTORIA

So what happened with that girl? Did she ever turn up again?

TED

Yeah, he tracked her down and managed to convince her that "Barney Stinson" was a false identity, and that he was actually a demolitions expert named Ernest. I think he later faked his own death in an implosion gone wrong.

BARNEY

That was an expensive one.

VICTORIA

(LEANING IN) Is "Barney Stinson"--

TED

(CUTTING HER OFF) We're pretty sure it's real.

LILY

You know what Ted, you actually did a good job telling that story.

Robin

Yeah, you set it up well.

MARSHALL

Explained things clearly.

LILY

Kept it interesting.

A BEAT. EVERYONE LOOKS TO BARNEY.

BARNEY

I can't believe you told her the beer was free.

THE VOLUME OF THE TABLE CONVERSATION LOWERS AS THE VOICE OVER BEGINS.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

See kids, whether it's storytelling, trivia, romance -- you're never going to know all the answers in life on your own. But, if you find some people you love, and you put all your strengths together, you can come pretty close to an ideal. Just look at the results. I mean, I'm a pretty awesome storyteller, right? ...Kids?

END ACT THREE.

TAG

INT. 2012 BAR – NIGHT

(TED, VICTORIA, MARSHALL, LILY, BARNEY)

VICTORIA

Wait, I still don't understand -- how did Robin win the rap category?

TED

Oh, well, Robin was having a really hard time at work, so, to help her get through the day, she developed this morning routine...

INT. 2008 ROBIN'S BATHROOM – EARLY MORNING

(ROBIN)

ROBIN LOOKS AT HERSELF IN THE BATHROOM MIRROR, AND SIGHS. THEN SHE CLOSES HER EYES, AND, SUDDENLY:

ROBIN

(TO HERSELF) Everyday I'm hustlin', everyday I'm hustlin', everyday I'm hustlin'. . .

INT. 2012 BAR – NIGHT

(ROBIN)

EVERYONE TURNS TO ROBIN.

 

ROBIN

Kind of took off from there. . .

THE END

Feedback from the Slamdance Screenplay Competition:

"A solid spec concept and it feels like an episode of the show - good voices and believable character work.  The main concern here is the pacing - aside from the script being overly long, it tends to drag throughout.  Tighten pacing by trimming dialogue, making sure that the stakes are going up in each scene, and continuing to work on the setup/punchline humor - too much can detract from the storyline.  Overall, a very nice sample of the series."


Feedback from the WILDsound Screenplay Festival:

"Hi Tadhg (HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER)   

Thank you for your submission to the WILDsound Screenplay Festival. Your submission was well received but our Screenplay reading committee feels that another draft is needed before it is ready to be read out loud and brought to the next step. 

"Trivia Night" is a spec script for "How I Met Your Mother" where Ted tells the story of telling the story of a trivia night at McLaren's. The structure of the episode perfectly suits HIMYM, and the characters are drawn clearly with some nice A- and B-plotting. That said, the flashback structure could be more exploited in this type of episode, while the humour needs to be sharpened to make a truly strong sitcom script. 

That said, there is a lot to like about this. From the beginning it works in a story that plays with the flashback nature of the show, and gets the whole gang together in a familiar location. The quiz gives it a sense of momentum, while each story hews fairly closely to characterizations already established in the show. The plots also reach a natural conclusion. 

But there are opportunities in this story that aren't being taken advantage of. The first is the flashback-within-flashback which comprises the whole episode - you miss chances to flash forward more to Victoria and the gang to make light of this. It's also worth bearing in mind that as the episode takes place almost entirely in McLaren's, it might be nice to have more flashes away from that location. 

The stories within the episode are also quite tight, but could use more inventiveness to make them shine. Barney's stories are usually more ridiculous than as presented here, and you could bump up both that situation and the dialogue he uses. The trivia night could also escalate a little more out of control, and bumping up characters like the unhinged host would help to do this. Basically the story remains too focused on the characters and not plotting, and because of this it doesn't distinguish itself as a memorable episode. 

Technically the script reads really well. You've got a good handle of sitcom writing, proper screenwriting structure, and a natural speaking style for everyone. There could be more scenes, though, and moments like them first talking about the quiz night take too long and eat up time. It may also be a problem that you include Victoria in this spec script, as she is not a permanent character. Spec scripts with longevity should only include permanent cast members, and as Victoria plays such a small role in this episode you'd probably be better off removing her. 

Overall, "Trivia Night" shows a solid screenwriting hand and a strong knowledge of the characters and typical plots in HIMYM. However the story structure isn't handled inventively enough, while some flatter characterizations and dialogue get in the way of pushing a memorable plot. A better strategy on rewrite would be to adjust these issues while also pumping up the humour to make the jokes funnier and more frequent."


The script was also a semi-finalist in the TVWriter Spec Scriptacular competition. Whatever that means.